Day 2 – Are You Brave?

note: this is part of #bloganuary where each day in the month of January, there is a prompt that we can write on.

My initial response to this would be no! I think of bravery in the sense of putting oneself in danger on purpose. Military, police, fire, first responders, etc. However there have been moments in my life where I have chosen a path that was not supported by others and I needed to stay strong in my convictions and believe that I was making the right decision. There is a certain amount of bravery involved when you are going against the advice of people that you love and respect.

I would also like to think that if any member of my family and friends were in danger, that I would be able to just jump in without thinking, with no thought of the personal consequence.

Am I brave? Not when compared to all the folks that have come before us facing unspeakable intolerance. People that went against the grain to stand up for what was right. People that have changed the course of history because of their determination and conviction.

I believe I am, or would be if called upon, able to summon my bravery.

tommy t

What is Something You Want to Achieve This Year?

note: this is part of #bloganuary where each day in the month of January, there is a prompt that we can write on.

I am really excited for this month. It is during this exercise last year that I began to write and, with the encouragement of others here, continued throughout the year. As I looked at the prompts, day after day, reading the posts of other bloggers, wondering if my contribution would be accepted, I finally worked up the courage to create and post my first blog. If I remember correctly, it was maybe day 20 that I wrote for the first time. I was so happy when I hit the “publish” button last year. I also remember my wife, Dawn, saying, “so you are how many days behind”? Leave it to my best friend to call me out.

So this is it, I am looking forward to participating in #bloganuary, all 31 days, and creating content on the day that it is posted. Leaving space each day for this is going to be the challenge. Last year I discovered not only that I could write, but that I truly enjoyed it. I will also set this (writing, creating) aside for something “more important”.

I enjoy the challenge of each question and the creative journey that my brain goes on as my thoughts travel to my fingers to create words on this page. I have seen on several occasions that bloggers are encouraged to have a target message and audience. I do not have either, nor am I am spending time on this. I am still traveling, stopping at different locations, having a drink with the locals and then hitting the road in search of my next stop. If I have a target, I would perhaps miss something along the way. Dawn and I typically take the long way to our destination, looking for local coffee shops and stores on our adventures and we have had amazing experiences doing this. It is a ton of fun to know where you are going, being flexible to change course. The photo above is mine. A panoramic of an area that Dawn and I hiked last month. We went way off path and discovered some amazing beauty when we did. I am thinking that if I shoehorn myself into something that I like and am already comfortable with, I may miss the opportunity to discover and explore a different aspect of writing, a different view. If Dawn and I stuck to the path that others had traveled, we would have missed the opportunity to make the journey uniquely ours.

My webpage here at WordPress is focused on personal and leadership development. I am looking forward to the questions of the day and the opportunity to expand my focus and creativity outside of the specificities of my business. I am also looking forward to seeing how I can weave my response to each days question back to personal development. I have spent several years, and hundreds of hours improving my craft of speech writing and public speaking. I am excited to work on my craft of writing as I receive feedback from those of you that read my posts.

While on the surface, this appeared to be a pretty simple question. From the outset, this has been a challenge for me. My brain has taken this question in a number of different, more complicated directions. In the end, it is simple. I am participating in this #bloganuary exercise for fun, to create an intentional space, and to see where this will take my writing.

May you be happy, healthy, and safe,

tommy

Thank You 2022

Well it is almost time to watch that ridiculously overpriced ball fall so that we can ring in the new year. I am excited for New Year’s celebration this year as it is going to be a very quiet, intimate evening with Dawn. We typically surround ourselves with friends and family, but with the kids doing things with their friends, it is a good year to just stay home and enjoy playing games by the fire and enjoying some drinks.

As I am sure so many of you are too, I am looking forward to the new year. However, I am not looking forward to moving on to the new year. For me that seems to suggest that I am anxious to put 2022 behind me. There have been some really great moments and for the most part, it has been a great 365 days. This is not to say that there have not been some down moments. Loved ones that are not here this year for the first time is interesting to navigate emotionally. But overall, it was a good year for Dawn and I.

For many of us, getting to the last week of the year means sitting with your boss and putting your plans for the next year on paper. Regardless of the role you have, there is much to be said for making plans and beginning to put into place what you would like to accomplish in the coming months. Taking a look at historical data and ensuring that you are accurately putting in place your performance indicators for work. But what about your personal performance indicators? This is a great time to reflect on the past year, not just the work stuff, but the personal stuff too. Now, there are plenty of people that can help you set your goals professionally for this coming year. Certainly, I can help with that if you would like. However, for this note, I would like to spend some time really reflecting on all that we do outside of work that helps reduce stress. Many studies show that when we take the time to completely separate from work and focus on a hobby or extracurricular activity, there is marked improvement in creativity, focus, clarity, and overall productivity when compared to those that do not take time off or perhaps just work throughout their time off. We have all been here; I will only look at emails for one hour each day to stay caught up, leads to more hours, frustration, and overall anxiety. The very thing that we are all trying to escape when taking time off.

What does your historical data show about the time that you spent working on you in 2022?

As you evaluate this, how can you ensure that 2023 is a year of improved personal downtime. For sure many of us “resolve” to exercise more and eat more nutritious foods. That is not what I am talking about here. What do you want to do with your spare time. Walk more in the woods with binoculars and take in the wildlife. Perhaps fish with family and friends, golf regularly, build something, or just sit in silence. Whatever it is, do it for you and you alone. This is not the “hey let’s play golf with clients” kinda time that I am encouraging. That is work. Let me say it again, that…. is……. work. No matter how many beers you drank or how much fun you had playing golf with clients, they were still clients and there is still an element of work. Play golf with friends. Go down to the lake and take in the early morning quiet. A walk through the woods. Make a plan and stick to it. As hard as you stick to your professional plan, make your personal plan just as important. Your organization will see the difference, your family and friends will see the difference. But more importantly, you will see and feel the difference in all aspects of your life.

Finally, I am saying this for you and for myself. I am really good at sacrificing the time I set aside to run, exercise, yoga, hobby, in order to fulfill some other “more important” task. I am right there with all of you and I will be struggling at times to make this a true priority. When you are taking a break to walk and you are thinking about work and how challenging it is to separate, try to remember that I am there on that struggle with you. We all are.

As we ring the new year, look back at all that was good, make a list of the time you spent just for you. And as you fill in that professional planner, be sure to keep your personal planner right there. Be intentional and set aside time for you, whatever that looks like, make it an equally important part of your 2023 intentions.

May you and yours have a happy, healthy, and safe New Years.

tommy t

When You Don’t Think Before You Speak, (bad things can happen)

As I alluded to in my previous post, there is a time to lean into a disagreement a bit harder. I will always advocate for a kinder solution, one that leaves both sides of a conversation in a place where they can come back to the table and talk some more. Sometimes achieving that is not always going to be possible.

On occasion, kindness is accompanied by respectful anger and frustration. As professional communicators and or leaders, we are not allowed to be frustrated with a situation. We are not allowed to be angry with someone.

I call Bullshit!

This is real life and sometimes the situation just calls for some good old fashioned controlled and honest frustration. You will see in the story below, as long as your foundation is kindness and respect, if you are focused on outcomes and not personal attacks, anger and frustration can be used as tools in your toolbox when the moment calls for it.

Here’s The Sitch’

I had a recent incident with a Vice President of Operations for a bank here in the United States. I had been reaching out for days looking for answers to my questions. Every response was slow. When there was a response, it was a carefully scripted non-answer. UGH. I certainly understand the protections that organizations have in place. However, those protections, those “scripts” too often include being a cold and heartless voice on the end of a communication channel.

On this particular instance I had requested a call from the above individual and received crickets for days. Finally, at ten minutes to five, on a Friday, I received a call. On the other end was a person with an agenda. They had all the notes they needed to “tell” me that I had been given all the communication that I needed. Dates, times, and contents of emails. Dates and times of all their “timely” phone calls. This information was at their fingertips, locked and loaded to recite and use as proof that they owed me nothing. I continued to ask for clarifications that I had not received due to the short, canned responses of each person I communicated with during this process. My thinking here was that if I was able to speak with the “boss”, there would be a bit more information sharing on their end.

Critical Communication Error….

The person on the other end of the phone continued to cut me off, speak over me, talk down to me, and recite information that was not related to the questions I was asking for clarification on. She was not interested in listening, but telling me what she had decided I needed to know. My voice is pretty deep and can sound angry. I am mindful of this. I am careful to begin new conversations with a slightly higher, friendlier, pitch of baritone. Also, as a man, I wanted to be sure that there was no indication that I “expected” to dominate the conversation. Both of the above are important and critical to a successful conversation. After several minutes of asking questions and attempting to counter her comments, I waited for my moment, interrupted her, and with a friendly but business approach asked her if she was going to let me finish my thoughts or just continue to interrupt me. The line went silent as I waited for a response. And then it happened. She offered a canned apology and amongst a plethora of reasons said she had taken a lot of difficult calls and was not in a great place to be on the phone.

I am thinking to myself, you said this and you are the Vice President of Operations!

Because I am good listener, (Dawn may argue this), I picked up on her reason/excuse, and regrouped for a very different type of interaction. See, up til now, I was willing to ask questions and provide space for the other person to have control of the conversation. Not any more.

I let her know in a very straight forward way, that since this is the first time that she was speaking with me, I expected to be treated with respect, professionalism, and the time needed to conclude our conversation. This changed the entire tone and I intentionally took collaborative control of the conversation.

What is collaborative control?

Great question as I just made this up. To me, this means that I have decided that I am the better communicator at this moment. In order to engage in a working conversation, I will to direct myself, and the person on the other end, to “collaborate” on a conclusion. The other person did not have a strong set of tools to work with. It was my role to include her in the conversation without using the opening to “dominate” the conversation and “win”. I am always looking for teaching moments, I guess.

Be Present; Know When to Say When

The conversation took 30 minutes. While I did not get the impression that this person cared at all about me, the customer, I did manage commitments on a couple of things. After about 25 minutes, I recognized that moving forward was not going to result in any additional gains and decided it was time to conclude. A very important and mindful choice. To realize that “winning” was not an option and it was time to walk away with what I had. I directed us back to the beginning of our interaction looking to complete the call in a professional and respectful manner. I did not dislike this person, just the behavior that they displayed. I kindly explained to her that where we were, at the end, was all I was looking for when we began. I explained that at the outset of the call, her agenda was to treat me and my questions with hostility. She was prepared to speak with an angry person who was going to “demand” answers. Folks, her approach limited her ability to resolve a difficult conversation. She was mentally unable to problem solve. She was not interested in finding a solution but defending her position and her methods. She could not apologize enough. I can imagine that was to ensure that during a “this call may be recorded” conversation review, she was covered.

Those who do not know me will perhaps think that I relished at the opportunity to take control of this train wreck of a conversation. That is not the case. In fact, for much of it I felt my insides tremble with anxiety, anger, frustration, and a sense of being on constant high alert. Being skilled at searching for a successful resolution to conflicts does not mean that I enjoy or look forward to them. Preparation is key to these types of interactions. This prep is not limited to physical notes. It is being aware of my own feelings and emotions. It is a buzz word lately, but true mindfulness is where one will want to be in order to control your emotions.

My communication model, T-E-LL-A-R speaks to this.

The “T” is for think. Where am I, mentally and physically? What are my distractions? Why am I having this conversation and why is it important?

When I “E”ngage, I am wanting to get a feel for how the other party/parties, is/are going to interact with me.

“L”isten to “L”earn provided me with the patience to look for clues as to how I can best resolve an issue and finally;

“A”sk questions that will lead to a productive “R”esponse.

The Wrap Up

The timeline for close, on the part of the lending institution, was not anywhere near where they had committed originally. However, I am happy to say that my interaction did move the goal post up weeks from where they wanted it to be and perhaps prevented it from being moved back again. In 30 minutes of intense interaction, I was able to achieve some positive results. I could not go back and get what was lost. No amount of anger, or blaming was going to change that. My goal was to look forward and achieve the best result I could and prevent future damage, stress, and frustration.

Did I lose my cool? I did not. Again, I speak loud but usually not angry and I work very hard to ensure that it is not interpreted that way. As a strong communicator, it is my responsibility to ensure that the message I am encoding is the one being received(decoded) by the receiver. Dawn and I frequently eaves drop on each others professional conversations and then provide feedback. It has been a wonderful way for each of us to learn. Especially being able to collaborate with a strong female as Dawn is. At the end, feeling exhausted and looking to crack open my first beverage of the weekend, Dawn was genuinely impressed with my composure and professionalism. We talked about how she may have been able to approach the conversation different as a female. I was concerned if I may have raised my voice to a level that was unprofessional and disrespectful, but that was not the case. If I was being disrespectful, Dawn would be the first one to let me know.

Difficult conversations are a part of life and I am not perfect. If the agenda is to win, no one will. There is no win-win. To find success, each party must be willing to compromise. That is the real challenge of any complaint or conflict resolution.

As you reflect on past conversations that you have had, where did you err?

Was it in your initial approach?

Were you too emotionally charged at the time?

Being able to identify where your strengths and weaknesses are will help you debrief your interactions and make adjustments the next time. This communication especially takes practice, presence, and a strong sense of resolution versus rightness. I look forward to your feedback. Feel free to share interactions that you have had and what led to success for you.

May you be happy, healthy, and safe.

T.T.

A Successful Business Can Also Be Rooted in Kindness

Happy Halloween y’all. It is our favorite month here in Thompsonville. It has been what seems like forever since I have been here, at my keyboard, typing words as they flow from my brain to my fingers. A few months ago I chose to stop writing and focus on myself. I have missed this and just because I was not putting thought to text, does not mean that I was not on the lookout for blogging ideas. One such professional interaction is not just worthy of being written about, it is deserving of being the “re-icebreaker” into this next chapter of my writing here. It is a bit of a read so I have chosen to break this into stages. First…..

The Set Up

Dawn and I had been dealing with a large section of our driveway that has been slowly settling. In the winter, I could slide half way down the drive, or fall on my arse while wearing my not so grippy crocs. After a few years of our own splash pad/ice rink it was time to pull the trigger on getting it corrected. It was not bad enough to replace and we chose to “interview” leveling companies.

Hopefully you noticed that I used the word “interview”. Yes, when representatives come to the home to explain their service, as consumers it can be considered an interview of the company.

We called three companies and received their “sales pitch” and quote. First off, I will almost never use someone who attempts to “sell” me something. Next, during the interview we look for character. Important to note here, we were not looking to flip the home or simply decide based on the lowest price. I have been in construction my entire existence and I have been down on funds. I certainly understand when simply looking for the best you can get with the dollars you have is how the decision is made. I respect that.

The Initial Interaction

Dawn and I weighed all our options and chose the company based on the sales rep who came to the house, explained and coached us on the work that would be done, and the process they would use. He did not “blow up” the other companies. Simply stuck to the facts of how his company would complete the work. Also, at the time the rep came to the home, I was out of town. He took the time to call and speak with me by phone. More impressively, he respectfully did the same for Dawn, in person. He did not speak down to her or short her any of the information he had already explained to me. There was never the indication of, “As I explained to your husband”. This impressed me/us as well. Next, we had to approve the quote, which was not the least expensive nor was it the most by a long shot.

Conducting Business Can Include Kindness

I soon received a scheduling email letting us know that it would be a couple of weeks before we knew where we fell on the calendar. I reached out on a Sunday asking for clarification of an item in our quote. I started my email with “Happy Sunday” knowing that it would not be read until the following day. Anyone reading this, that knows me, knows how I feel about creating emails that reflect personality, especially if you are communicating with someone for the first time. The response I received from the scheduler was as if I had coached her myself; she started with “Happy Monday”. She then proceeded to kindly clarify the estimate. In my response, I let her know how happy I was to see her greeting, how it indicates personality and sets the right tone, that whatever anyone says, just keep on doing it. She appreciated my kindness and sent me a truly heartfelt response.

After just a few days, I was getting antsy and reached out to her to ask for an update on the scheduling. I knew that it would take a couple of weeks but as I mentioned, just got antsy. I started my email with “Happy Friday Eve”. I did not ask for anything or indicate that I was looking for anything other than a scheduling update.

She had every right to hit me back with a canned, unfeeling, response of “it usually takes 1-2 weeks to get you on the schedule. She could have done that and been “right”. Instead, she was so appreciative of the interaction that we were having and the impact that it was making on her work, that she took the time to move us up in the schedule.

Her and I continued to communicate back and forth and just days before our installation, she sent me a reminder that included the names of the team members and some light details about the technicians on the crew. For many years, I have emphasize the importance of individual self-esteem and creating opportunity to make people feel as if they are part of the process. Keeping customers “in the loop” can have this same effect. Being regularly updated and being informed of who will be coming to your home feels as if you know them, just a bit.

Organizational Values Represented in the Field

The team was just as impressive, never once getting annoyed with my wanting to observe and ask questions. When they were done, although invisible to me, they pointed out that there had been an issue. A small hairline crack had occurred due to binding of the slabs. They explained why that happened, did not blame me or my driveway, and asked me if I was going to be ok with the result.

Once the work was completed and final payment made, I asked them for a few minutes of their time to ask a couple of questions. I started with why? Why, with everything going on, have you chose to work a very blue collar job, with a small company. The answer from both can be described as “a family environment”. One of the techs has been with the company for a long time, worked along side the owner early in his tenure. The owner, he says, always started the day on the shop floor by greeting everyone and smiling. They both said that the owner and management take the time to get to know each person. The day starts with positive conversation, care and concern for the individuals. Not just about work, but in their lives.

I have commented, and spoke for many years, that if we treat people, the way they wish to be treated, there is a better chance for team members to stay. That is exactly the point that they made here and why they stay where they are.

The Wrap up, Finally

There is an argument to be made that I could have “demanded” that my work date be moved up, been a total “a-hole” and perhaps ended up with the same result. I am going to continue to advocate for kindness in the workplace, in the home, with our neighbors, and in our neighborhoods. Being an “a-hole” is stressful, for both parties. The people dealing with this approach loathe the call and can not wait for the transaction to end. There is an underlying approach to work here in our western culture that says you have to be hard, cold, and calculating if you want to have a successful transaction. That if there is a problem, you have to immediately move to “fight” mode. There is a time and place for that as you will see in my next entry.

I was given permission to use the names of the folks who worked to complete this transaction, each role building on the other to achieve a truly successful project.

A big shout out to our sales rep, Frank. It was your approach, coaching, and respect of myself and my wife that helped us “feel” good about working with the company you represent.

Next up is Emily, the creator of the “Happy Monday” email. The personality that you included in your digital correspondence left me with the impression that I was actually speaking to someone face to face, a person who cared. I enjoyed each of our communications. You truly made an impact on my day and week.

To our installers, Devan and Susy, you were both awesome! The time that you took to explain the process, show me what went well and what did not, was second to none. You were friendly and I appreciate the few minutes that you gave me at the end and the insight that you provided.

Finally, to the owner, whom I am thinking this will be forwarded to. Keep on keeping on. Your approach is first class, your team is reflective of this approach and it shows up in the actions and communications that I had with each person. You are on the forefront of a new and improved way of conducting business.

For those of you that have this or a similar culture, I am very happy for you and your co-workers. For those of you reading this, and are smirking or rolling your eyes, don’t be a hater. And, for those of you wishing this was your work culture, it can be. It can start with you. Smile at your coworkers. Do not accept instruction from your boss, or anyone, until they have wished you good morning. And yes, I have done this and it makes superiors stop in their tracks. We have the power to be kind in the workplace. Work can be and often is stressful, the days are sometimes long. There is anxiety in most roles that we have in our respective workplaces. Buy why are we accepting of a culture and way of conducting business that is not rooted in self-esteem, respect, and general kindness. It can start here. It can start with you.

tommy t

Imperfect Perfection

It has been two weekends since my last post. So, how did y’all do? Were you able to turn off the email, ignore that text message or let that call go to voicemail? Even just once. I am hoping that you did. If you did, how uncomfortable were you. If you did, were you surprised that it was not as bad as you thought it would be?

I recall the first month that I first turned off notifications to my phone for email, it was a bit stressful. But for the most part, I have gotten used to it.

However, I do have relapses!

Over the Forth of July Weekend, I did pretty good. I did have email communication that I needed to stay up on. While on a bike ride, if Dawn and I stopped for drink or to rest, I would check my emails to see if there were any updates. I did receive a couple of calls while out on that ride that I let go to voicemail. Once I was at our next rest stop, I would check to see who had called.

While kayaking, I did not check anything for the two hours we were out. It was full glorious.

While I did really well over the weekend, the rest of the week, and this past weekend, has been chaos. Cue the relapse.

The week after the fourth, I worked out of town for family. I was mobile most of the time and still needed to stay up to date on my emails. Over the past couple of weeks, I had an ongoing conversation that I specifically needed to stay up to date on. I recognized by Thursday, that I had once again gone to a place of either looking at my phone to see if there were updates, or thinking about looking at my phone to see if there were any updates. This means that at no time was I actually engaged in what I was doing at that moment. Considering that I was using power tools, that may not be the safest thing to do. HAHA. I am still checking my email more often than in the past several months, but I feel I have a bit more control.

I am hoping that you do not read the above and say, “see Tom, why fight it. We have to look at our phones all the time! It is just the way it is in order to conduct business”. I am hoping that you read this and recognize that no path forward is going to be smooth all the time. There are always going to be moments when we will need to be flexible with our own rules to accomplish a task or stay up to date. When life happens and we are back to our old ways, we need a reminder.

Here is yours, and my own, reminder.

In our personal lives, in our business lives, we all set goals and then measure the success by the perfection of achieving those goals. I was not perfect with my engagement of my mobile device over the past 10 days or so. But I did not completely fall off the wagon either.

Perfection is not possible. Life is messy and unpredictable.

The best we can hope for is “Imperfect Perfection”. The idea that despite our best efforts, stuff happens, (you can replace the word “stuff” if you would like). Recognizing the imperfection of any goal is a way of helping ourselves, and those that we are charged with managing. Just because we request it, does not make it habit. We regularly ask ourselves and others to create a new habit, take on a new way of thinking, or buy into a new best practice. Then we ignore the reality that years or decades of learned behavior will creep in from time to time. It is natural to revert back to an old behavior. We just gently remind ourselves that it is fine. “Stuff” happens and we move back into the new behavior once more. We must also be mindful that our colleagues, children, direct reports, will also get off track from time to time. It is our responsibility to be present enough to recognize, care about, and be mindful enough to gently point out that they are off on a tangent. To be sure that this is not just a one sided approach, you correcting them, be sure to encourage your spouse, direct reports, kids, etc. to gently remind you when you have strayed from a new best practice. Dawn has taken to this role with great enthusiasm.

Look, most of us work and live with others. We set goals and rules to live by for ourselves and inevitably will stray off course. Do not stress if you do. Look to those around you to help. I am a very loud talker. I have a deep, strong voice. I have worked most of my life around loud environments that I had to speak over to be heard. I do not have an inside voice. Yet, I have asked Dawn to give me a little nudge, or an elbow to the ribs if she prefers, to remind me to bring the volume down to a reasonable decibel. It is better when we have others that we can turn to. It is better when team members hold each other accountable. They say that a goal is not really a goal unless you tell someone.

The exercise last week was an important one as we find ourselves in a world more and more engaged in our devices and less engaged and present with what is happening around us. If you found this exercise helpful, repeat it in small doses until it is just part of your day. Tell someone what you are doing. Perhaps you will be the one that makes an impact on another and they become more engaged. Imagine all the things that we miss in life and work because we are distracted.

Until next time,

May you be happy, healthy, safe, and a little bit more turned off to devices and little bit more turned on to your surroundings.

T.T.

Want to Have a Great Work Week Next Week? Turn Off The Notifications and Enjoy the Weekend!

Hello y’all and Happy Friday. Not just a great day as it indicates the end of the week and soon, the beginning of the weekend. For many folks, here in the United States, it is a three day weekend as we celebrate the Fourth of July.

For Dawn and myself, as the weather appears to be amazing, we will be getting out in the kayaks and taking in some bike riding as well. I am sure it will be filled with great food grilled here in Thompsonville, along with some tasty libations.

I have kept several articles that are relative to work, play, or both. Today I want to help all of us enjoy some time off and the advantages to turning off the distractions and staying engaged in activities that have nothing to do with work.

There is growing research in the area of burn out, both for employees and managers. Interesting that there is a differentiation, given that both groups are technically employees? Anyway, I digress. In reviewing one particular article from Harvard Business Review, they discuss how research shows people who take vacation are more likely to receive raises and promotions. The research is very interesting and too in depth for right now.

Now, most of us regular folks and especially those with limited time off from work, view a nice three day weekend as a mini-vacation. I know that Dawn and I do, and therefore think this vacation research is very relevant to long weekends.

One of the authors in the article states that “when the brain can think positively, productivity improves by 31%, sales increase by 37%, and creativity and revenues can triple”. To be truly engaged at work, in life, at the grocery store, at our kids soccer games, or gymnastics, our brains need to take a break. Folks, this does not just apply to those nine to fivers. I remember when Dawn and I were raising all three of our kids, the level of communication, teamwork, and patience is very demanding.

Especially patience. HAHA.

And I am speaking of a time when there was not this immediate access to all parties via text or phone call.

Here’s is the sad reality for so many. One of my side gigs is selling real estate. The number of times that I have spoken to a Realtor that have been with their kids at the beach, amusement park, or any other extra curricular activity is not unusual. There are times you need to be available. I get that. What is sad is that, to a person, they stated that they had spent more time on their phones working than spending time with their kids and family. This is very common and not just for work related instances. This is why we are burnt out. We constantly permit ourselves to be inundated with distraction. And we have no one to blame but ourselves for this mess.

Turn Off and Tune In

Several months ago I had had enough and I turned off my email notifications to my phone. My plan was for one month to see how it went. It was tough at first, always wondering if I missed that one important email. I selected times of the day that I would check on my device if needed. I tried to only view emails on my laptop. It has been months and it is wonderful. I have not missed one important email. I do check my emails with intent when I am mobile and waiting for an important communication. Folks, once you find your comfort level, you will wonder why you did not do this sooner. For me, I have also turned off notifications for all social media and choose times to go there also with intent. I have not missed one important moment.

Here is my request for you this weekend, turn off just one thing and set limits to who you will and will not immediately respond to. Folks, if you do not have to take the call, that is what voicemail is for. I have members of my family and professionals that rely on communication and email. They have taken my advice and have thanked me for it. Perhaps you just do not want those emails to pile up over the weekend, I get that. But is that not what work is for? And managers, let’s set the tone by encouraging our team to not work and answer those emails.

Folks please, this is a great weekend to get out with your family and enjoy the moments. Go out for a walk by yourself or significant other, without your phone in hand, and enjoy being present in what you are doing. These are your moments and not every moment needs to be shared for all the world to see. They are for you and your family to enjoy. Take your pictures and short videos. It is important to capture moments and save them. I am not suggesting that you don’t. Just take the picture and put the phone back down. Oh, and leave that smart watch on silent too. Thought you were going to get around this by using your watch, did ya?

If you are walking through the park with your family, and you are checking on everyone else’s life, are you not missing out on your own?

Resist the urge to answer that email because you are standing in line with your kids and you have time. No you don’t have time. The email and post that you are so programmed to check will still be there. That amazing moment of your kids, swinging on the railings and teasing each other will not.

That sand castle the kids are building could use your help, parents and grandparents.

I encourage you to let your time away feed your brain with healthy, ever lasting memories. When you get back to work on Tuesday, you will not only feel more refreshed, you will have actual stories to tell others that they did not already see and comment on. Oh, and those emails will still be there.

Last year, I auto drafted my fantasy football while on the Cumberland River with Dawn. That is the photo above. Never checked my status. Did not care. I was teased and made fun of by others in the league. For some that is important. But for me, the importance was to be with my amazing wife and all the Cumberland had to show us that day. Other than a couple of photos, my phone was down and silenced for the two plus hours we paddled. The water was still, the air was amazing. It was quiet. I did have times on that trip that I had to take calls or answer emails, but I tried to have control over those moments.

By the way, I finished third in my fantasy league last year.

Happy Weekend Everyone and enjoy being unplugged from the world and being plugged into you.

May you be happy, healthy, and safe on your mini-vacation.

T.T.

Listen From a Place of Curiosity and Presence

Good day y’all. I hope that you have had a wonderful weekend. I have had a very full past several days completing many projects here in the outdoors of Thompsonville. From pouring concrete, to setting bricks for my cowboy fire pit, landscaping, and some light electrical, it has been a fulfilling week or so. With so much going on outside of my regular routine, I have not taken the time to journal or write. In fact, my racing thoughts and noisy brain have been pretty quiet.

And that has felt wonderful, but also left me at a loss of what I wanted to write on.

As I was catching up on my emails from the weekend, I read through one that I receive every day that includes quotes. Now, I am not a bumper sticker person and I truly reject the canned sayings and phrases that are so common on social media in an effort to help me feel good about myself. UGH. This particular morning however, this quote struck me, inspired me, to share my thoughts with you.

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” Alice Walker.

As typical, I have to look deeper, read between the lines, and look for a correlation between life and work.

Here is where I am.

I grew up in the “do as I say, not as I do” era of parenting and coaching. My early experience with work was that your ability to speak, or have any sort of viable comment, was in direct relation to your position with the organization. Both of the above approaches, while at times appropriate, are archaic as a rule of thumb in both our personal and professional lives. And yet sadly, they still exist in both.

If you as a person, as a formal or informal leader, take the approach that your voice is the only voice that should be heard, you are limiting the growth of those around you. It does not take any skill as a parent or the leader of a team to silence everyone around you in favor of your own ideas, plans, and creativity. In fact, this takes very little effort, is unproductive, and limiting in so many ways. I can speak from experience as a parent and as a leader that this does not work long term.

But this goes even deeper.

When we silence others, our kids, our co-workers, the person bagging our groceries, we are stunting our own growth. There is so much to learn from taking the time to listen to others. We do not have to agree to one hundred percent of all that is said. In fact, I have been down right bored, listing to the young man at the grocery store check out, going into detail about a video game he is playing when all I asked was how he was doing. I have no interest in video games and was lost throughout the entire conversation. I did not learn anything, or did I?

I can remember wanting to just check out and go home. We have all been there. I just need to move on with my day. But this young man had a response to my question and since listening and sitting still are daily struggles for everyone, being able to stand and be engaged in the conversation was a lesson in patience and being present. I do not remember anything about the game that was being talked about. I remember the smile on this persons face and genuine sense of joy they had in sharing with me. I remember the very satisfying feeling that I had, having taken the time to just be present and listen. I have a communication model that I created called T-E-LL-A-R. The “LL” stands for “listen to learn”. An important element that I work to improve each day.

The amazing photo of the owl that Dawn took while we were kayaking in South Carolina’s Pee Dee river, is so symbolic of just sitting and listening. Of just being present and learning from our surroundings.

When we listen from a place of already knowing the answer, there is no growth to be gained, for others, or for ourselves.

There is no creativity to be discovered. There are no solutions that will include the complete buy in of your family or team. This week, take just one moment that you would normally not take. Ask a question and (here’s the hard part) honestly encourage and wait for the response. This is an important part of communication and relationships of all kinds that is often overlooked. The feeling that you get when you provide space for others to speak and be heard is so rewarding for them, and for ourselves.

Who can you help “un-silence” this week?

May you be happy, healthy, and take the time to listen to learn.

Saying No Is Not Easy, But Sometimes For The Best!

Hello and Happy Monday. As you take in this amazing photo that Dawn took and as y’all get ready for your week, I can imagine that, with regards to work, you are wrapping up carryover items, making adjustments to this weeks plan, and setting the plan for next week. Perhaps some of you are pondering taking on a new role; an expanded role that would provide you with a leadership opportunity of your own. A recent situation happened to me that I wanted to share with all of you as you make your decision.

I have been a part of a group of folks that meet two or three times per month to discuss public speaking. As with most groups that I am a part of, many people naturally gravitate towards me to take on a leadership role. Now that sounds a bit arrogant, but for whatever reason, people look to me. When I began with this last group, I just wanted to be a fly on the wall, sit back, learn from others. As a leadership term was coming to a close, I was asked to take on the role of president. I was very flattered, but knowing the time I had to devote to it would be limited, I was not sure that I could do it justice. In the end, it felt great knowing the group felt I was the right person to lead us over the next year. I agreed to take on the role as president of the group. With public speaking, the in-person component is very important, at least it is to me. At the time I took on the role, there were no public gatherings allowed due to Covid-19 protocols. Once the window opened up for a hybrid meeting format, I jumped on it. There were many months that I was the only one that was there in person, with most opting to meet via the virtual link. And while we did see some improvement of in person attendance, a majority of folks opted to stay remote.

There are several legitimate reasons for this that I needed to consider as I looked to lead the group forward. Our group meets at lunch for one hour. Which means that folks have to be local, flexible, or work off-shifts to attend. We were mostly professionals with flexible schedules at the beginning and there were times that some twenty folks attended a meeting, but for the most part is was a dozen or so. As the pandemic continued, remote work became the norm and employers ramped up the use of virtual meetings. Members had less and less time to be away from home. I also believe that people enjoy being at home and not venturing out. I worked very hard, but in the end, the in person attendance was not where it was prior to COVID, but our active membership was still pretty strong. The term ends and the gavel goes to another to carry on. By no fault of theirs, during that time, the number of people that were active from meeting to meeting were sometimes not even enough to run the meeting, virtual or in person. It has been a year, that person’s term is ending, and the group again looked to me to take on the role as president to help keep our band of merry speakers going.

In the end, after careful consideration, the decision was made to disband the group. I did not feel great about taking on the role again. It was a tough call because I believe in my ability to help bring any group of people together. I was sad about my decision,,,,,,

right up until the final meeting.

Now, due to many circumstances, I was not very active these past six months. However, I did think that there would be a nice turn out of folks for our last meeting, to say good-bye, share stories, and look to stay in touch. I was one of two people that was on the meeting call, TWO! Some things are better left un-lead.

I share the above story to illustrate the challenges of saying no to a leadership role. A leadership decision also means knowing how to best use your time and ensuring that others respect the sacrifice of time that you are making. I love the feeling when I get to come in and save the day. The feedback that I get from others and the enjoyment of knowing that I was the right person at the right time leaves me feeling accomplished.

As people, our time is our most valuable resource; it is non-replenishable. How we spend it is something that we will want to consider each time there is a demand made of it. After many years, it is still a challenge to get to a point where turning down an opportunity to lead was the right decision.

In a western culture, and in my upbringing, if I had a couple of moments in my day, I should fill them or I was lazy. If I was not striving for the next rung on the ladder, I was not ambitious enough.

Not every group is savable, not every person will benefit from your guidance. These are lessons learned through trial and error. They are hard to accept because it does feel like failure. I have come to learn that this is a strong decision, a successful decision, and one that will provide me with the time to focus my energy and creative strength on other opportunities that may arise.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, and many of us are, saying no to an additional role, or volunteer opportunity that will require more sacrifice may be the right call. Strength as a person, as a leader, is knowing how valuable your time is – to your team, your family, and mostly for yourself. Ponder each opportunity, carefully weighing all the pros and cons. I often make a pro’s and con’s list to see it on paper. Not sure if you can take on that role? Saying no maybe the strongest decision you can make.

Have a great week. And remember, be where you are, and you will have arrived.

Leading From Behind: Wedding Weekend Success

Happy Tuesday, It has been a long several days and it is good for my wife and I to get back to some form of normal. Although we partied pretty hard and will need several days to recover from this one. In a really good way.

The last I wrote, we had the wedding of my daughter this past Friday. It was an amazing day. The weather was fantastic, the ceremony beautiful, and the reception was off the hook.

My goal for the evening, besides seeing our youngest get married to a really good man, was to create the opportunity to start a bridge for the two families. A very strong, mostly American family with generational values and traditions, blended with a very strong Lebanese family with strong values and traditions.

A point that I did bring up during my speech.

The bride and groom are the star of the show, they should be. For my part, in working to help create a bond, I decided to include a few sentences of Arabic, at the very beginning of the father of the bride speech.

Every person that I spoke with from my son in law’s side, said that I nailed the Arabic and thanked me for the gesture. Everyone I spoke with, especially the bride and groom, said that it hit the mark.

The entire speech was a success.

The other part of this was to encourage my family to be part of the celebration, especially the parts that they did not understand. For example, there is very large celebration as the bride and groom enter the reception hall. I have learned this is called the Zaffe, and it was fun and it is impressive. At one point, guests surround the couple on the dance floor as they are being lifted into the air. The groom on shoulders and the bride in a chair. I looked over to one side noticing that the groom’s family, knowing what is going on, had all converged on the dance floor to celebrate. My wife and I quickly went table to table to get more people to the floor to join in this amazing celebration.

The entire evening was a success.

But not just the evening. The next morning there was a large group of my new son-in-law’s family gathered in the lobby for breakfast and coffee. As my wife and I approached with some of our family, you could not help but feel the acceptance from everyone. Folks recognized who we were and made a point to greet us, speak with us, hug us. We were all family and friends now.

You might be asking; Tom, I am not giving a speech at a wedding. I have a group of workers that I am looking to encourage to buy in to the tasks of the day. How is this relevant to our roles as leaders?

Valuable Question.

To be effective in motivating our people for an extended period of time, taking the time to think outside the box is important. Look for creative ways that you can bring your team together in a way that encourages inclusion. If you know that you have a group of folks that like golf, take an afternoon and go to the driving range. And go with them, even if you do not like it. That may not be possible, so how about gift cards for a round of golf. A group of folks that speak Spanish, take the time to ask them to teach you some phrases that you can use during a team meeting. And remember, this will take time and effort. Working to break the workplace traditions that have been there for generations will take time. Not just to implement, but for your folks to truly believe that you care. Look for ways to affect meaningful, lasting change.

Great leadership is not selfish or self-serving. It does not come from a place of title or power. It comes from a place of heart, caring, and goodness.

Have a truly awesome week.